


It'll be okay

by Talia394



Series: 30 day Paulkins prompt challenge [1]
Category: Black Friday - Fandom, Hachetfield Series, Musicals - Fandom, Starkid, Team Starkid - Fandom, The guy who didn't like musicals
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Emma being blown away by how considerate Paul is, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Making Out, Panic Attacks, Paul looking after Emma bcos hes in love, Paulkins oneshots, Suicidal Thoughts, These chapters are all vastly different I apologise, bcos I love them, pure adoration, there's something for everyone, they're just cute okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24080290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talia394/pseuds/Talia394
Summary: 30 Paulkins one-shots inspired by a prompt list I found on a Tumblr post from @shannaraisles. A mix of all your favourite Hachetfield characters will appear at some point I'm sure but also just get ready for a lot of Emma & Paul fluff and cuteness. All Trigger warnings listed at the top of each chapter.
Relationships: Paul Matthews & Emma Perkins, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins, paulkins
Series: 30 day Paulkins prompt challenge [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737286
Comments: 33
Kudos: 51





	1. Scrosciare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma has a rough day, Paul does everything he can to help.

Scrosciare: The action of rain pouring down or of waves hitting rock cliffs

I found this prompt list on Tumblr posted by @shannaraisles if you'd like to check it out. I really don't know what I'm doing but I have fun thinking about Paulkins so here you go.

TW// Panic Attacks

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"Emma, you're late. Again." Nora stated, as if she was already bored of reprimanding her.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, I was up all night studying for this damn test and I barely got any sleep." Emma replied looking up to find the lack of her boss who had already walked away from her, going to stock up the coffee cup lids.

Emma sighed, a little put out that Nora wouldn't listen to her but then relieved of the fact that Nora couldn't berate her if she had already moved away. She trudged over to the break room, setting her backpack down and tying her apron round her waist. She made it out behind the counter just as the first customer of the day walked in. Emma plastered on her best fake smile and moved to serve the customer.

"Hi, how can I-"

"Uh, I'll get a hot chocolate and a blueberry muffin." The woman interrupted her quickly, as if she might implode if *god forbid* she didn't get her breakfast right this very second. Emma tried her best to ignore the tone of the woman and the fact that she was tapping incessantly on the counter with her fingernails.

"Sure thing that'll be 6.10" Emma replied with a twinge of annoyance, her happy facade faltering much quicker than she would have hoped.

Emma managed to serve the woman without biting her head off but the day only got worse from there. Nora had been on her case the entire shift about correct customer service and being lazy whilst working. The threats of being fired were thrown at Emma left, right and centre but she really couldn't care less. This shitty job was going to kill her. The only saving grace she could think of was if Paul came over in his break and could sit at the counter for a while and stop her from going absolutely insane. When he didn't show up for his regular 10:30 coffee break Emma felt like she was going to explode.

There were no people waiting to be served so Emma moved quickly to the break room, picking up her phone and slotting it into her apron before returning to the counter. She looked over at Nora who was cleaning down a table, she hadn't seen her grab her phone which was a relief. Emma reckoned she'd snap at her if she so much as leaned on the side of the counter, let alone be found on her phone.

Nora was distracted and no one was coming in so she took out the phone and went to text Paul.

"Hey, why so late for ur coffee break? I might hit someone soon if you don't get here."

Emma sent the text quickly before slotting it back into her apron pocket and making herself look busy. The phone buzzed a few minutes later, she glanced over at Nora, turned her back and pulled out her phone.

"Sorry, Em. We're swamped today, I don't have time for a break if I ever wanna leave this place tonight. I'll call you after your closing shift? Try not to kill anyone."

Emma sighed heavily, not even Paul could get her through this god awful day. She typed back a response and then put her phone away just as a new customer walked in.

"Okay. Talk later x" 

Emma's shift dragged on for what felt like an eternity with no one to talk to - only herself and Nora were working, with Zoey arriving after Emma had already finished her first shift of the day. She then had 2 hours of classes at the community college before she was back at Beanie's for the closing shift. God she hated Wednesdays, double shifts and classes that weren't taught by Hidgens was a combination she dreaded every week. She was going to snap soon enough, she could feel it.

Emma's second shift was slow, not many people bothering to stop by to get shitty coffee on an overcast winters day. She was certainly more tired than she had been in the morning, but without Nora there she felt slightly more at ease. Zoey could be harsh, sure, but she was less bothered on how productively Emma spent her time if there weren't customers waiting to be served. It was nearing the end of the shift when Emma heard a customer approach the counter.

"Hi, how can I help you?" She reeled off, not looking up from where she was wiping down the surface.

"Americano to go please" Emma looked up, shocked by the face of her brother-in-law opposite hers.

"Oh Hi Tom..." She started, "I'll get right on that for you" Emma gave a weak smile but was clearly shaken by seeing him. She assumed that Tom didn't remember she worked here, it's not like they were on good terms with each other.

"How's Tim?" She asked awkwardly, looking over her shoulder for a second to glance back at him whilst she made his order.

"Well you didn't care for the first 9 years of his life, so why the hell do you care now" Tom mumbled under his breath in a deep tone. He'd assumed that she hadn't heard, the coffee shop was loud and she was quite a distance from him now but she'd heard every word. Before she could react Tom spoke up again, louder this time.

"He's alright" He said plainly. Emma kept her back turned but nodded to show some sort of response. Underneath she tried hard to hold herself together. She turned round handing him the coffee not daring to meet his eyes. On the counter the exact change for the coffee was splayed about, put down carelessly by the large man. He took the coffee and left, not saying another word.

Emma scooped up the change, her hands shaking slightly. She put the money into the register and turned sharply rushing into the back room.

"Hey, where are you going?" Zoey shouted across at her from the other side of Beanie's.

Emma hadn't heard and Zoey went after her, pissed that Emma had just decided to have a break without telling her. She walked in to find Emma sat on a chair, her hands balled up into tight fists and her head low - her body shaking. Zoey quickly realised that her original tone was uncalled for, she was a firm boss but a decent enough friend when it came down to it.

"Are you okay?" Zoey asked quietly still not able to see Emma's face.

"Yup, yup I'm fine just give me a minute and then I'll be back out there." Emma insisted, wiping her face harshly as if she was angry with herself that she was crying.

"No, no, you're clearly upset. You can go home if you want. I'll close up by myself. The shifts almost over anyway." Zoey said softly albeit looking rather uncomfortable with the situation. She had never really seen Emma crying before, pissed off and moody - hell yes - but never just plain sad. It freaked her out a little to be honest but she tried her best not to let it show too much, for Emma's sake.

"Thanks Zoey, I owe you one." Emma responded, moving to take off her apron and grab her backpack still wiping away at her face in an attempt to make the tears stop.

Emma left Beanie's hurriedly, walking over the road and clambering into her car.

"No, we're not fucking doing this today." Emma whispered harshly to herself whilst gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white. She took a deep breath in and swiped the back of her arm across her face for the final time. The entire drive she felt on edge, becoming way too anxious every time a car drove within 3 metres of her own. Thoughts of Jane ran rampant through her brain and though she struggled to concentrate she managed to get home soon enough.

Emma limped up to the door, her bad leg sending a shock of pain through her body. Once inside she dumped her bag on the ground and made her way to the small kitchen. She grabbed her pain meds and filled up a glass of water quickly swallowing the tablets with a gulp. Emma refilled the glass and moved to the living room. She set the water down and lied flat on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling.

She probably should have made an attempt at cooking dinner but she really didn't care at this point. Her face wore a vacant expression and her eyes leaked - causing sorrowful tears to dribble out. Seeing Tom was not something she had planned on and his comment about her being a shitty aunt stung. Not because it was harsh but because it was true.

Emma had a lot of regrets, nearly all of them regarding her sister. It pained her immensely knowing that Jane had died instead of herself. She'd switch it in an heartbeat. But she couldn't. So she lived full with grief and guilt and a fuck-ton of self-deprecation every time she was reminded that she was a bad person. Which happened to be any time she thought of Tom and Tim, any time she got less than 80% on a test, any time Nora shouted at her, any time she heard from her parents and any time she remembered Jane.

Her sister was dead. Her sister with a house and a job and a husband and a child had died instead of the drop-out who ran off and never cared enough about the one person who was half decent in her life. God she hated herself sometimes. Tom certainly hated her for her absence over the years. Her parents certainly hated her for just existing.

Emma was now annoyed with the puddle of tears that lay beside her face itching her skin. She sat up and scratched her red cheeks. With a shaky hand she finished off the water she'd set aside and moved to the kitchen. As Emma went to place her glass in the sink it slipped out of her hands and shattered against the basin with a loud and shocking noise.

"Fuck off." Emma spat under her breath. She'd had enough. She had to get out of the house. She wanted to get out of Hachetfield really but she'd already stormed out of the house when she realised that she had only grabbed her house keys and her phone when she left, her car keys still in her apartment.

Instead Emma walked fast and heavy, almost as if she was stomping at the Earth beneath her feet. She wasn't really going anywhere specific, just trying to get away. Her pain meds had worked to an extent, the sharp waves of pain were gone but a dull ache still ran through her thigh. She supposed the stomping really didn't help. Emma walked for a little while longer until she found herself near one of Hachetfield's beaches.

She half limped/ half staggered over to the knee high rock wall that stood tall above the beach which lay 10 feet below. She sank down to the wall and turned so her legs were dangling off the wall, facing the water. The chill of the night had fully set in now, with the wind rippling over the ocean and the frozen stone wall turning her skin cold. Emma hadn't realised in her hurry to get away from her apartment that it had started raining lightly.

Emma usually liked the rain, so long as she wasn't stuck out in it for too long. But she wasn't exactly in the mood to get back up and walk home now that her leg had started to hurt again. So she sat blank faced, staring off into the dark water. The rain gradually got heavier and heavier until there was an overwhelming soundscape of water crashing down against every surface.

She liked how the noise drowned out her thoughts. It was a distraction from Jane.

Emma sat there for what felt like forever, allowing herself to be bullied by the weather. Leaving her skin raw and stinging. Her eyes were puffy and sore and her hands felt numb in her lap, she hadn't moved them since she sat down, she doubted she actually could. Negative thoughts danced around her mind as well as memories of Jane that filled her up with an immense sorrow. She wasn't as angry with herself anymore. Now it just felt like grief.

The wind whistled through her ears almost deafening her. She suddenly snapped out of her trance when she felt a vibration from her pocket. Her phone was ringing.

Her hand: stiff, cold and riddled with pain, reached slowly into her pocket and she managed to move her fingers enough to pick it up. Her fingers were still wet from the rain so she wiped them down on her top, but it wasn't very successful. After a few swipes she managed to answer the phone and hold it up to her ear.

"Hey Em, sorry I couldn't come to Beanie's today, are you alright?" Paul spoke into the phone quickly, feeling the need to apologise for not seeing her. Emma was still choked up and struggled to vocalise anything.

"Are you outside? It's chucking it down. Where are you?" Paul sounded concerned and confused.

"Beach, near the park." Emma responded quietly, were voice cracking in the process.

"Okay, I'm gonna come get you okay?" Paul's tone was riddled with worry. He really wasn't sure why she was out on the beach in this weather. Something had to have been wrong.

"mkay." Emma said softly. She became aware of just how cold and soaked through she was. Her bad leg began throbbing and she suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotions yet again. Tears were racing down her face and she let out a small hiccup.

"Okay Em, I'm coming now." Paul hung up the phone and Emma began shaking violently. It felt like hours until Paul arrived, rushing over from his parked car and crouching down next to her.

"Emma, we need to get you inside okay. Can you stand up?" Paul asked. Emma was still shaking but turned slowly to face him, managing to swing her legs back over to the side nearest the road. Paul could tell she was struggling to stand up, so he helped her by scooping an arm around her side and lifting her gently. He led her over to the car and opened the door for her. She fell into the passengers seat and Paul closed the car door gently behind her. He hurried over to his side of the car and slipped in.

The keys turned into the ignition and the engine started up. Paul immediately cranked up the heating and pointed all of the hot air towards Emma, hoping it might help her warm up. Emma's neck was pointed downwards staring at her fidgeting hands. Paul began to drive before he spoke up.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Paul asked gently, very aware that if he pushed too far it would only make Emma freak out more. He wasn't foreign to panic attacks in the slightest and whilst he wasn't sure what was happening he was certain that something was very wrong.

Emma shook her head, still glaring downwards not daring to look up at him. She hated feeling vulnerable. It made her feel weak and stupid. The other thing of course was that she hadn't talked a lot about Jane with him. He knew the basics and that was all he needed to know for now. Delving into the ins and outs of her trauma was not something she was particularly looking forward to. She supposed it might have to happen eventually, but certainly not for a long while.

"Okay." Paul replied simply, not wanting to make her feel anymore uncomfortable than she clearly was. She wouldn't appreciate a conversation right now, so he stopped talking altogether. He was driving in the direction of her apartment, thinking that she'd rather have the option to decide whether or not she wanted him to stay with her tonight.

"I don't want to go back to mine." Emma stated quietly. Paul was surprised to hear her speak but nodded along.

"Okay, that's fine. I can take you back to mine if you like." Paul answered. She gave no reply so he assumed that that was what she wanted to do. The diove only took a few more minutes and then they had arrived at his door. Paul helped Emma inside before sitting her down to take off her shoes.

He then picked her up bridal style and carried her up the stairs. He placed her gently on the foot of his bed and began to unpeel the sopping wet clothes from her body. She helped him as best she could but she her hands were still numb and shaky. Once she was out of the wet clothes her pulled one his shirts over her head and pulled a pair of his pyjama bottoms on her legs. The pyjamas swamped her small frame but she looked grateful for the warmth.

Emma was thankful for Paul greatly in that moment. Who knows how long she would have stayed out there otherwise. She was grateful that he didn't ask questions. She didn't want to talk about Jane tonight. Paul was gentle and kind. She appreciated that.

Paul placed his hands on her shoulders and sat her down on the middle of the bed. Paul disappeared behind her for a second before grabbing something and sitting on the bed behind her. He gently undid the messy bun from her matted hair and began brushing it carefully.

Emma felt like she would cry again - overwhelmed by what he was doing. She probably would have just left it up, not having the energy to sort it out. Paul brushed through all of her hair until no more knots remained and he settled the brush down on the bed. Then he held her hair gently and split it into three parts before plaiting it into a simple braid.

She wasn't quite sure what was going on until he finished tying the end of the plait and she reached behind her head to feel it. Emma turned around with a soft expression in her eyes, touched by his consideration.

"You really didn't have to do that." Emma whispered, her eyes locking into his.

"I wanted to." Paul replied simply with a small smile.

"How did you learn to plait hair?" Emma asked, eager for something to talk about other than herself.

"Well, I used to babysit Alice a lot when Bill had court hearings with his ex-wife. Bill always used to plait her hair and so she asked me to do it when I was watching her. I didn't know how but I learned soon enough through videos and tips from Bill. I haven't done her hair in years though." Paul finished quietly. Silence ensued for a while as he stared at her face.

"I don't want to talk about tonight." Emma uttered, shifting her gaze downwards.

"Okay." Paul responded.

"And I really don't know when I will."

"Okay." Paul was okay with it, he was concerned for her of course, he ached to know what had caused her so much pain but now she was safe he was satisfied enough. She didn't have to tell him anything.

Emma sniffled loudly and began wiping at her face, turning her head away from Paul.

"It's okay Em." He reassured her. Paul pulled Emma into his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around her as she sunk into his chest sobbing. Paul kept one hand on her back pressing her to him and the other lifted to her hair to gently stroke it. The cries were shaky and breathless but soon enough she calmed down in his embrace. She looked up at Paul, her eyes tired from crying. They held each others gaze for a second before Paul craned his neck down to kiss Emma's forehead.

"Let's go to sleep." Paul mumbled softly. Emma nodded and they moved to lay down under the covers. Emma rested her head on Paul's chest and he wrapped his arms around her again pulling her flush to him. She felt warmer now and her breathing was calm. Paul stayed awake long enough to make sure that she was sleeping okay before shutting his own eyes.


	2. Aspectabund

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pure Paulkins fluff of them being dumb idiots in love

2\. Aspectabund - Letting emotion show easily through the face or eyes

TW// Food

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Students began closing their text books and filing their things away into their bags and folders, signalling the end of Professor Hidgens' biology lesson. Many people rushed out the door hurriedly, eager to get to home. Emma hung back, slowly packing her things away.

"Good class Hidgens." Emma reassured him as she made her way to his desk.

"Well, thank you dear. It's been a while since I've taught that topic, I was afraid I might appear a little rusty." Professor Hidgens returned glancing downward nervously.

"Not at all." Emma offered a kind smile to her professor. There was a touch of silence as Hidgens expected Emma to carry on speaking.

"Well, what can I do for you Emma? Haven't you got a shift you need to attend to?" The professor asked curiously.

"Yes but I was just wondering if I could come over to the lab on Sunday? I'm a bit unsure of some of the concepts that need to be covered in the essay and I'd like to go over them." Emma trailed off, hoping that he would agree.

"If you'd like, but you needn't worry, all your classwork has been excellent. " The profeesor stated matter-of-factly.

"I just don't feel like I understand it enough and I'd really like to get this right." Emma vocalized.

"Nonsense Emma, you know full-well that you have always been at the very top of my class. How about you come over on Sunday, you may ask me any questions you wish, but you'll stay for dinner afterwards." Hidgens addressed her with a caring voice. He was very appreciative of Emma's company and while she didn't need help at all, he wouldn't pass up an opportunity for dinner with his only friend.

"That sounds great professor thank you. I've gotta get to Beanie's now, I'll see you tomorrow." Emma announced as she slung her backpack over her shoulders.

"I don't teach your class tomorrow Emma." Hidgens replied with a deep look of confusion laid across his face.

"Oh I know, I was going to drop some more groceries round. If you want anything different than normal call me, okay?"

"Emma you're too kind to me, you really don't have to go to such lengths. I can take care of myself." Hidgens responded. Emma gave him a doubtful look which soon turned into a smile.

"Bye Hidgens." Emma walked out of the classroom with a skip in her step. He didn't have to tell her how grateful he was for her, she knew that already. Emma was just happy that she could help him.

Emma's shift at Beanie's passed surprisingly quick. Other than making the shitty coffee she spent most of her time recalling Biology facts in her head that she had learnt earlier in the day. It was a rare shift at Beanie's in which she wasn't irritated by her co-workers or the customers. A miracle shift. Emma closed the shop a little early as there were no customers beyond 6:30. Not many people were queuing up for straight caffeine this late in the day.

By the time Emma arrived home Paul was already there, his tall body strewn about the sofa and his neck craned over to read a book. He looked up as he heard her arrive.

"Hey Em, how was work?" Paul asked turning his upper body round to face her.

"Better than usual, I was just in a good mood I guess." Emma answered.

"How was your day? Did you get those reports finished?" Emma spoke as she removed her shoes and put her backpack over by the dining table, stopping by on route to kiss Paul on the top of his head.

"Decent, the reports were easy enough once Ted sent the numbers over from accounting." Paul trailed off slightly shocked that she'd made that small romantic gesture. It wasn't like Emma didn't show affection, she did of course, it was just that Paul normally instigated it. He blushed deeply, his ears turning pink.

"God, Paul. You're such a fucking sap. Get over it." Emma told him with a glint in her eye, now heading up the stairs to change into more comfortable clothes.

When Emma returned she wore a pair of cotton shorts and one of Paul's old college jumpers. It was too big on her but she liked how it clung on to the smell of him, though she'd never admit it to him directly. Well, unless she was drunk. Drunk Emma had a tendency to tell the truth a lot more than sober Emma.

Paul swung his legs off the side of the sofa and crossed them underneath him, allowing Emma room to sit with him. She grabbed her laptop and a textbook from her backpack and plopped down on the other side of the sofa so she could use the arm rest to hold her book open whilst still being able to read it. Emma opened her laptop and started up a word document and started typing away with furrowed brows.

"Whatchya doing? I didn't think you had any homework till next week?" Paul asked sincerely, concerned that maybe she was working a little too hard like she often did when it came to Hidgens' classes.

"Bio essay. It's due next week but I'd like to get a first draft before I go over it with Hidgens." Emma's eyes were locked firmly on her computer screen, concentrated on the essay. Paul didn't want to distract her, he'd let her work for a while before discussing dinner. He knew she was more likely to stop at a sensible time if he allowed her to get something done first.

Paul didn't turn back to his book, instead keeping his warm gaze on her, watching her fingers flick across the keys, occasionally moving to skim over lines in her text book or brush back a stray hair. He was enamoured by her. She was beautiful. She was also damn clever. He loved when she'd use Biology jargon - it was extremely hot. Even just watching her chew on her lip as she scanned the words on the computer made his heart race.

Paul could stare at her forever. She probably wouldn't let him of course. She'd calm him a nerd and poke at him for staring at her. He couldn't help it though. Sometimes he meant to get on with something else but his eyes wouldn't leave her. He was often in disbelief that she was his girlfriend. His girlfriend Emma Perkins.

Quite honestly, Paul thought he was going to die alone. He wasn't getting any younger and he didn't exactly go out much. He hadn't got many single female friends and he wasn't into blind dates and online dating. It freaked him out a little to be honest. Social interaction wasn't a strong point of Paul's. Even now he would still get flustered by Emma if she gave him a simple compliment. He was still awkward, sure, but Emma had relaxed him a little bit. He was more open to new situations. He left the house a lot more nowadays, attending the occasional party if Emma wanted to go. Before it would have been a hard no every time. Paul felt tremendously lucky to have Emma in his life. And he couldn't take his eyes off her.

About 10 minutes had passed since Emma began working and she was beginning to notice a lack of page-turning from Paul's book. She glanced at him for a second out of the corner of her eye. He was staring with that big dumb face again.

"Paul."

"Mhm." Paul acknowledged.

"You're staring." Emma stated. Her tone smug, a small smile pulling at the side of her mouth.

"Oh, right." Paul was fully aware that he was staring, but he tried to play it off. He opened his book back up and pretended to read a few pages before lifting his eye-line again.

She was wearing his jumper and he adored it. The first time she'd worn his clothes he'd practically melted on the spot. Little curls escaped from her up-do and hugged her neck. Paul also found those extremely cute. He liked it when her hair was slightly wet from the rain, it made her hair even curlier than it already was. He also loved the smell of her hair, he felt like he could breathe it in forever.

"Paul you're distracting me. I need to get this draft done." Emma's voice snapped Paul out of his trance. He stopped reeling off things he loved about Emma in his head to reply to her.

"I'm not doing anything." He replied simply, knowing it would drive her insane.

"Come on Paul you know that you're staring at me. I can't concentrate." Emma reasoned with him.

"Em, I'm almost 100% sure that if you focused on your laptop you won't even notice me." Paul argued. Hoping that he could look at her for a while longer.

"No because now I know you're staring at me I can't help but notice."

"Maybe you're the one obsessed with me, huh? Didn't think about that one." Paul quipped, eager to win the conversation.

"My God Paul. Fine, I'll carry on working and you can quit staring and get back to your book which you haven't touched since I got home." She let out an exasperated sigh but still gave off a light tone.

Paul returned to his book, fixing his eyes downwards, not daring to look up at her. Emma worked for a minute longer before she peeked a look over at Paul. He wasn't staring. Emma carried on typing until Paul shuffled slightly. He was still reading his book, he had just adjusted himself on the sofa due to the face that his long legs, though folded underneath him, were slipping off of the edge. Emma pushed thoughts of Paul's legs away and attempted to continue with her work.

Now she was so hyper-aware about Paul staring that she repeatedly kept looking over at him. The more she stared the more she thought about his adorable gangly legs that were too long to fit on the god damn sofa. And then she was thinking about the reading glasses he was wearing and how they were slightly slipping down his nose. And she looked to his T-shirt, in which his sleeves were looking considerably tighter around his upper arms. That gym membership really had been paying off.

Suddenly Emma was enthralled with him - unable to tear her eyes back to her work. She displayed the same dumb face that he wore when he stared at her. In that moment she felt obsessed with him. Her eyes scoured his face, she wanted to kiss his dumb fucking face so bad. But she was also stubborn and wasn't quite ready to give in to this staring stand-off they were having. Her gaze lingered on him a second too long and before she could look away Paul spoke up.

"You're staring Em." Paul uttered under his breath, as smug as he possibly could.

"Oh shut up. You made me do it, you're playing mind games with me Matthews." Emma returned.

"What. I was staring at my very beautiful girlfriend who then reprimanded me for it and is now being caught doing the exact same thing, might I add. These aren't mind games, it's just hypocrisy Em." Paul looked up at her smiling from ear to ear, excited that he'd outwitted her. Emma felt her stomach flip at that grin. She was just as in love with him as he was with her.

"You're such a fucking sap Paul." Emma addressed before lifting her laptop from her lap and placing it on the coffee table. She moved over to Paul, almost climbing on top of him. She grabbed his face with her small hands and kissed him deeply on the mouth. Melting into him with an overwhelming depth of affection.

When she pulled back Paul wore an even bigger grin on his face.

"You better wipe that fucking grin off your face right now." Emma warned, her face only inches from his, her arms now hung loosely around his neck.

"I can't Em, I'm in love." Paul teased, immediately pulling her in for another kiss. She groaned audibly against him but carried on kissing him. They kissed passionately, limbs tangling up in a heap on the sofa, they held each other tightly, wanting to express their deep affection for one another. Eventually Emma pulled back, now out of breath.

"You're such a fucking sap." Emma repeated, teasing him for his romantic nature that she secretly adored.

"So are you. You've gone soft Perkins." Paul winked at her and she wriggled out of his grasp making a point of sounding incredibly exasperated. Emma stood up and walked over to the kitchen looking at the contents of the fridge.

"What do you want for dinner? I could cook that seafood pasta that you like but It's a bit late." Emma reasoned, surveying the fridge intently and noting which ingredients they had. She hadn't noticed Paul come up behind her.

He snaked his arms around her waist and kissed her neck gently.

"Or we could order take out and make out till it gets here." Paul spoke between soft kisses placed on her neck.

Emma made a pleased noise as her kissed her neck again and turned to face him.

"Sounds like a plan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who commented and left Kudos on my last chapter !! I didn't really expect anyone to read this so it means a lot to me :) I know this is meant to be a 30 day challenge but i reckon it might take me two days per chapter? IDK for definite but I'm quite slow with writing. I'll try my best to write as much as possible asap because who doesn't love an updated fic. This chapter was a little shorter, I only planned out the main section so I added a little Hidgens scene to make it a bit longer. Do y'all like that? I get that it might be annoying because it seems very multi-chapter fic like and I don't finish off the storyline? What do you think: shorter chapters with just the main idea or do we like the slightly longer chapters where we talk about Paul/Emma's days. Also, I promise will see more of the CCRP crew soon with a more Paul-oriented fic. I love you all <3


	3. Pyrrhic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set it an AU where Paul exploded the grenade in Let It Out and destroyed the hive mind, PEIP managed to cure everybody and Inevitable never happened. We have some big trigger warnings in this chapter so please check below!

3\. Pyrrhic - Won at too great a cost

This chapters gonna get a little dark FYI please proceed with caution

TW// Extensive injuries/gore, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, small mention of eating problems, small mention of a bad childhood

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Nowadays, Hachetfield felt like a ghost town. The citizens were still there but the tiny town now held an eery silence. The place felt less chatty, the need for gossip largely diminished from the aftershock of the apotheosis. It had been months since PEIP rescue troops had 'controlled' the situation as they called it. It certainly didn't feel that way. PEIP had issued an initiative to keep the rest of the world from finding out what had really happened. No one was allowed to leave the island permanently for 6 months, and after that you would be able to apply to leave. If everyone left the tiny island in a blink of an eye it wouldn't go unnoticed and so PEIP aimed to distance the event from the comings and goings of the citizens. No one could find out.

A lot of the buildings still had permanent damage and there was an irrevocable effect on the lives of every single member of the community. The infected had been cured, however, so there were no immediate threats of death-by-musical.

Those who became infected early on were cured with little to no health detriments. Scientists from PEIP had discovered that the spores laced through each of the infected's blood streams served healing properties, mending the wounds that had made them turn. This way the hive mind could be more aesthetically pleasing, allowing the choreography to appear in perfect unison. It helped that the large majority of Hachetfield hadn't suffered as severely - it permitted the world to carry on turning.

Those infected later on into the evening had yet to finish healing before being cured, many having to stay long-term in an isolated unit in the hospital. It was inevitable that some would die, the extent of some of the injuries were shocking, even to the most highly decorated PEIP agents. Arguably, those who suffered most were the only two people in all of Hachetfield to stay human. 

Paul was well on his way to turning, but a fight in him kept him alive long enough to pull the pin. Of course, that's what nearly killed him. Paul underwent several surgeries. The first was to extract the shrapnel from the grenade explosion, which cut deep into his whole torso. He had deep lacerations on his arms and a large open wound on his side when the PEIP agents found him. They were shocked to find him in a pool of dark crimson blood, everything else had been stained an electric blue. Paul was a survivor. Barely.

The first surgery was as successful as it could be. Expectantly, there were complications. Failed organs and built-up fluid in his abdomen caused for two more surgeries. It was touch-and-go for a while. Emma hadn't been able to see him, much to her chagrin. They refused her visitation until he had been awake for a week, so that extensive tests could be held. Traces of spores were still found in his bloodstream and he had to be held in isolation until they were certain he wasn't infectious.

Emma had been holed up in her room alone, almost for that entire week. She was still unable to transfer into her wheelchair without support so occasionally called upon the nurses when she had to get out of bed. Emma despised hospitals with her entire being. Initially, when she woke up she was convinced they were all infected. She screamed and thrashed, eventually falling out of the bed. She couldn't stand on her leg at all and she squirmed in pain, her lungs belting a deep roar. After a week had passed she felt slightly more relaxed. Truly, she only trusted Colonel Schaffer. She would stop by every day with a daily report on Paul. Emma appreciated someone telling her something, everyone else ignored her or deemed everything confidential. It infuriated Emma.

Paul and Emma's relationship was odd at first. She would sit by his hospital bed most days, Paul still too weak to visit hers. They shared an inextricable link. They would be forever tied together by the trauma they shared. Neither one knew quite how to go about 'dating' one another. When Paul thought about it, he really didn't know much about Emma at all. They'd spent little time together but the conversations they had were deep and heartfelt.

Paul and Emma learnt a lot about each other in the long days beside each other in the hospital. Emma had been discharged earlier than Paul. She'd transferred slowly from wheelchair to crutches and now she relied on pain meds and the occasional crutch if it was a bad day. But she could walk again, though there was a noticeable limp. Emma had wanted to stay off her leg more and stay in the hospital with Paul but without the shelter and food readily available to her she had to go back to work.

Paul and Emma had stayed in the hospital the longest of all the citizens, so when Emma returned to a somewhat normal life, the town had been going again. Businesses were open and rent was something you had to pay. She really didn't want to go back to Beanie's, but it was the only place that would let her work, and she needed the money. A lot of stigma was held against Emma, she could barely walk and her severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder meant many employers simply wouldn't have her. It's not like she was qualified for much else anyway.

Emma visited Paul in the hospital frequently. He was bed ridden for several weeks following his surgery and he took that time to get to know her. It was still new and awkward at times but she helped distract him from the ugly scars that decorated his chest. The first time he'd seen himself topless in the mirror he threw up. He hated what the apotheosis had done to him.

Paul had been depressed from his childhood and also suffered from anxiety badly. If Emma wasn't around he often became caught up in his thoughts until they overwhelmed him to too great of an extent. The panic attacks were worse now, more painful due the damage to his lungs and chest that was inflicted upon him. He suffered from nightmares almost every day and struggled to eat.

Truthfully, he only kept himself alive for Emma. She was the sole reason that he kept himself alive and it frightened him. Paul wasn't great at relationships and he was convinced that she was just too good for him, that maybe one day she wouldn't visit him anymore. Pack up after the 6 months lock-down and fly back to Guatemala. Though scared by the prospect of a committed relationship, Emma didn't think about not visiting him once. If she ever couldn't make down to the hospital she called. She cared deeply for him, and he helped keep her calm and distracted. She needed that. 

Once Paul was out of the hospital and sent back home they had to readjust once again. What they were was still new and confusing. They'd been together for months technically yet it was still weird. They tried to avoid the whole nearly dying thing at all costs but the trauma consumed them and so a lot of their time was spent in shared sadness. They hadn't discussed much of their inner thoughts. Opting for just holding one another in the quiet instead of addressing their issues head on. Most days were bad days for them, the company helped, though they still lived apart. 

Once Paul was back to work he visited Emma everyday at Beanie's just like he did before. They was a normalcy there that they both appreciated.

One evening Paul drove up to Beanie's around 7 O'clock and walked into the small coffee shop. Every Tuesday and Thursday when Emma had the closing shift he would pick her up and they would eat dinner together. She appreciated the lift greatly. Emma's leg still pained her every day and so he tried his best to keep her off it as much as possible. He supposed the long shifts at Beanie's really didn't help with that.

"Make sure you clean everything down properly this time Emma." Nora shouted as she bustled past Paul and made her way out the door. Paul looked taken aback for a moment, annoyed that Nora had pushed past him like that. He turned to look at Emma who was flipping her boss off behind her back.

"Can you believe her?" Emma asked him, looking incredulous and beginning to lower her arm. Paul made a face to communicate that he agreed with Emma. 

"How much more you gotta do until you can leave?" Paul asked. He liked to feel helpful where possible so if there was a task he could do for her, he'd happily oblige.

"Oh not much else really, everything's clean enough, Nora can suck it." Emma expressed, leaning over to the wall to switch off the lights lining the back of the shop.

Paul nodded and gave a quiet "Okay." with a gentle smile. Emma moved round from behind the counter and made her way towards Paul. As she rounded the corner her knee gave way and she let out a hiss of pain.

"Fuck, fuck, fucking hell." Emma spouted. She sank to the floor and Paul rushed to her side, helping to lower her. He leaned her back against the counter and sat down next to her on the floor.

"Fucking shit. Fuck!" Emma screamed, annoyed with herself for her stupid fucking leg. Paul had seen this happen a few times: situations where Emma's thigh surged with pain extreme enough to collapse her to the ground. Often he couldn't do much to help, at least nothing to soothe the pain without her meds or her numbing cream.

"Is it that shooting pain again?" Paul questioned. He wrapped a long arm around her shoulders and hugged her small body into him. His other hand found hers, allowing her to squeeze on tightly when she was in particularly awful pain.

"Yes." Emma breathed through gritted teeth.

"Sometimes I just wanna cut my fucking leg off." Emma remarked. She carried on mumbling various curse words under her breath for a few more minutes. They pain didn't subside much, but at least she was off of it now. Paul's fingers rubbed circles on her shoulder and his hand squeezed hers back to remind her that he had her.

"I hate what happened to us." Emma whispered now on the verge of tears. Her leg was such a pain in the ass all the time and she couldn't live with it anymore. It was driving her crazy.

"Me too." Paul agreed. He usually offered positive affirmations, trying to relax her or get her to focus on the bright side of this entirely fucked up situation. However, his face seemed stony and deep in thought. They were silent for along time, clearly both thinking about the apotheosis and the trauma they had lived through. After a long time, a choked up Paul spoke aloud:

"Do you... Do you ever wish that - that maybe we hadn't survived?" Paul gulped loudly, his eyes glazed over and looking off into the distance. A beat of quiet passed.

"Sometimes, yeah." Emma offered. She had the same far-off gaze in her eyes. It was odd, she thought. Sat on Beanie's floor in the dark, thinking if it'd be easier if they weren't here at all.

It wasn't the first time either had had suicidal thoughts, both of them having a less than pleasant childhood in common. They didn't talk about it much but they knew a basic outline of each other's stories. It was strange now because they had someone to live for. Someone to hold on to when they just felt like disappearing forever. They cried in a slight embrace, leaning into each other with both of their backs still planted against the counter. 

Emma squeezed Paul's hand and he returned it. A muted message that proved they understood each other deeply. Paul turned his head towards Emma and planted a soft kiss on her hair. 

"I'm glad we did though." Emma expressed. Paul looked confused for a second before connecting the dots to their earlier exchange. 

"Otherwise I wouldn't have you." Emma spoke softly, letting her emotion show in her eyes and twisting her neck up to look at him in the face. Paul had never heard Emma say something so overtly romantic. Paul blinked and let a few tears spill down his cheeks, smiling to himself. Emma leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. It was wet and a little uncomfortable from the angle they were sitting in but it conveyed the emotion they shared. 

Emma's thumb wiped across his face, drying his tears. He stared into her warm brown eyes with a deep adoration for her.

"How's your leg?" Paul wondered. He didn't want to keep her here without the comfort of her own home if she was still in agony.

"A dull thump. Hurts like a bitch but not nearly as bad as it did." Emma answered now swiping at her own face. 

"Well let's get you home then. I'll carry you to the car and I'll make sure all the doors are locked for you." Paul told her, shifting away and untangling himself from her so that he could stand up. 

"I can lock up myself, my leg's fine." Emma argued though her body gave away her lie quickly as she leaned heavily on Paul as he helped her stand up. Paul picked her up and placed her gently on the counter. He grabbed the keys off the counter and went to lock the back and side doors as well as the cash register. He returned to Emma and picked her up again, this time carrying her all the way to his parked car. He lowered her to standing and helped her climb into the passenger seat. Paul then walked back over to the front of Beanie's switching off the lights and locking the door, checking it afterwards twice more to confirm that it was locked.

Paul drove back to Emma's, where they were meant to have dinner tonight. Instead they ordered take out and he stayed over- not wanting to leave her side in case her leg gave way again. Over dinner he brought up the prospect of her using a wheelchair again, she told him she'd consider it. The conversation didn't return to the open and vulnerable state it was in before until they lay in bed together.

"How often do you get your nightmares?" Emma asked curiously. Whilst they had both woken to the other screaming mid-nightmare at some point they hadn't really discussed the frequency or severity of them.

"Most nights." Paul responded with a tinge of sadness present in his expression. 

"What happens in them?" She questioned again, eager to know if his were similar to her own. Paul winced slightly but then began to speak.

"Um- well in it, I'm one of them. Well not entirely actually, it's like I'm infected but I still have conscious thoughts. I'm being controlled but I still think for myself. And uh... Everyone's there, they're all infected. You're the only one who isn't actually. But you think I'm still alive and we hug... but then I start singing and I can't stop it, I'm just forced to watch it happen. And we sing and you're in pain and you can't get away from me. In my head I'm begging you to find a way to escape but it's perfectly choreographed so that you can never leave. I always wake up when you fall to the ground, shuffling away. But you're trapped and we infect you..." Paul stopped talking and blinked his tears away, eyes now daring to meet hers.

Emma looked horrified and shocked, maybe he shouldn't have told her this, it was far too triggering. Paul expected her to get out of the bed and walk away or just break down into tears. Instead, with a shaky voice, she spoke to him.

"Mine are... They're exactly the same. It's from my point of view but it's just like what you said." Emma uttered in disbelief. How was it possible to dream the exact same thing that had never happened. It wasn't like a memory, it couldn't be. They had been saved before becoming infected. Paul had blown up the meteor and killed the hive mind.

Paul's face was equally as taken aback. It just didn't make any sense. It almost felt like it was an alternate reality, something that could have easily happened had Paul not blown up the meteor, or PEIP not arrived in time. They were terrified by the prospect of that reality.

Those dreams haunted them that night, as they did for the rest of the week and many weeks after that. Paul and Emma agreed to talk about the difficult bits of their lives more tomorrow, needing to understand just how crazy their lasting trauma was. But for now, they lay together, bodies held tight, quietly fighting off the demons in their dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not entirely happy with the flow of this work but that's okay! It's currently 3AM and I decided to finish this tonight and get it posted rather than waiting till tomorrow night as a treat for everyone who is reading, leaving Kudos and commenting. I'm extremely grateful :) Now, I must sleep - goodnight!


	4. Rubatosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Paulkins fluff for your heart. Mostly Emma knowing exactly how to handle Paul when he gets overwhelmed because I love to see the soft side of her.

Rubatosis - The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat

TW// Anxiety, food

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Thud. Thud.

Thud, thud.

Thud- THUD.

Paul's mind awoke, but his eyes remained closed. He cringed slightly into himself and removed an arm out from underneath the covers. He pushed the top of the duvet down, exposing his chest. He laid his hand over his heart, pressing it in slightly so he could feel every pump of blood.

He hadn't awoken to heart palpitations for a long while, and it made him feel weird. Not only was it slightly painful but it unnerved him. What if he was having a heart attack and he didn't know? What if something was wrong? He couldn't tell, and there was nothing he could really do about it either which he hated.

Paul liked to be in control of a situation, and when he wasn't calm almost anything could be of concern to him. Things would rattle him all day and he wouldn't be able to get anything done. Today looked like it was shaping up to be one of those days. 

He surveyed Emma's side of the bed with his arm to check if she was still there, his eyes still closed. When he couldn't feel her beside him he cracked open his eyes and rubbed them while letting out a large yawn. Emma wasn't anywhere to be seen in their room so he assumed she was already downstairs having breakfast.

A very sleepy Paul climbed out of the bed, his hand still resting on his heart as if holding it would make it stop palpitating. He trudged downstairs and made his way to the kitchen to grab some kind of breakfast.

Emma was sat on the counter top, eating a slice of buttered toast and scrolling through her phone.

"Morning." She hummed through a mouthful of food, giving him a closed-lip smirk. Emma always thought Paul looked rather cute in the mornings when he had a dopey expression, messy hair and dishevelled pyjamas. She was already dressed in her Beanie's uniform when Paul arrived, signalling that it wasn't long before she had to leave for work. 

"Morning." Paul chimed, looking reasonably more awake now that he had seen Emma. He walked over to her and leaned down to peck her cheek. Even though she was sat on the tall counter Paul still towered above her. He loved teasing her for her height, it was a conversation she could never worm her way out of - and if she ever did, he would just pick her up over his shoulder until she gave in.

"What time are you home tonight?" Emma asked, looking over at Paul who was now searching for his cereal in the cupboard.

"Hopefully 6ish, I shouldn't have to stay late tonight I don't think." Paul answered, making his bowl of cereal.

"Okay, good. Well I've gotta go, the citizens of Hachetfield will riot if they don't get served their shit coffee on time." Emma quipped sarcastically. She jumped off the counter and rose up on her toes to plant a kiss on his lips before grabbing her backpack.

"Have a good day. I love you." Paul said tenderly, staring after her as she left the kitchen. Emma turned to look over her shoulder.

"You're such a nerd Paul." Emma teased but just as she closed the front door behind her Paul heard a soft

"I love you too."

Once Paul had finished his cereal he had a shower and got dressed into a regular black suit. As he was tying his tie he could sense his heart beating in his chest again. He didn't like knowing it was there. Which in his head he deemed irrational because his heart would always be there doing the exact same thing every second of every day. However, this still didn't shake the weird feeling Paul was experiencing. He carried this feeling all through his journey to CCRP Technical and it only worsened when he sat down at his desk.

He tried his best to forget about it, but at every beat of silence or pause in his train of thought he was reminded about it. Now it was ticking him off to a moderate level. He was trying very hard to focus on the reports in front of him but we has so on edge. Eventually Charlotte snapped him out of his trance.

"Hi Paul I-, oh, are you alright?" Charlotte squeaked with a slight look of concern on her face. Paul's eyes were glazed over and he looked rather sweaty. She played with her fingers before gently tapping him on the shoulder to remind him that she was there.

"Oh Charlotte. I'm so sorry what did you need?" Paul hadn't heard what Charlotte had said in the slightest but it didn't really matter. He tried to offer her a calming smile to give the impression that he was doing just fine but it came out strained and awkward.

"Melissa said you needed to get some papers down to Ted, I can take them down there if you'd like." Charlotte offered. Paul appeared grateful that he didn't have to see Ted this early in the day, and quickly took her up on it.

"That would be great, thank you." Paul returned. He still looked a bit out of it so Charlotte lingered for a minute after he passed her the papers over.

"Are you sure you're alright Paul? You seem a bit frazzled." Charlotte wore a genuine face of worry and began fiddling with the papers.

"I'm fine, really. Just feel a bit under the weather s'all." Paul claimed though the sweat on his brow stated otherwise. Paul thought he might look stupid if he explained the real reason. Being freaked out by your own heart wasn't exactly run of the mill. Charlotte was an understanding person and would probably be quite helpful, but she would almost definitely tell Bill and Ted whenever she spoke to them. Bill wasn't a worry but Ted certainly was and he didn't want to risk being berated for the rest of his day.

"Oh Paul, I'm sorry. I'll go take these to accounting for you." She gestured to the papers and began to walk away from his desk.

"Thanks Char." he reiterated in her general direction, not really paying attention to speaking to his co-worker anymore. Paul held his head in his hands for a while, rubbing his forehead to try and escape his thoughts. He breathed deeply and set off to work again.

He managed to do a little more, using Bill's voice as a distraction whilst he spoke on the phone to a customer. It wasn't nearly enough of what he should have already done so he decided to head out for a break and attempt to clear his head.

He asked around for Beanie's orders but only Bill wanted anything. The short walk was cold, Paul was glad to be inside the warmth of the coffee shop once he arrived. There was one person waiting in life so he queued behind them but still shot a smile to Emma. Once the person had moved away with their order Emma greeted Paul.

"Who's ordering?" Emma asked with a smile, now becoming quite used to Paul doing the coffee run for everyone and had most people's regulars remembered.

"Just me and Bill today." She nodded in acknowledgement and moved to make the coffee.

"You don't look too great buddy, are you sick?" Emma questioned taking in his appearance. Paul was an awkward person but he seemed a little more uncomfortable today, she assumed that it was maybe something mental rather than physical - as it often was with Paul - but didn't want to pressure him talking about his anxiety at Beanie's.

"I um- I don't know. I'm very aware of a lot of things and it's freaking me out I think." His voice was hushed and low, allowing only her to hear. He felt silly as he said it but knew that Emma was a comforting source when he became frantic.

Emma moved away from the coffee to rest her hands over his, which were fiddling with his wallet.

"That's okay. We can talk about it when we get home if you like." Paul nodded in agreement and Emma moved back to pour out the coffee, before she handed them over she spoke in a quiet whisper.

"You'll be okay, just hold on a little longer for me." 

Paul relaxed, calmed by her words and her presence. He handed her over the money and left a tip in the jar. Paul glanced quickly around Beanie's and - happy that Emma's co-workers weren't looking - pecked her on the lips. 

"Thanks Em." He moved out of the line as another customer walked up to the counter, he gave Emma a small wave and left Beanie's.

Just having seen Emma helped him cope a little bit more and he managed to get a large chunk of his work done which was a huge relief after this mornings lack of productivity. 6 O'clock arrived soon enough and Paul could finally go home. He bade farewell to everyone in the office including Charlotte, who seemed a little less freaked out by Paul which was a good sign. 

When he arrived home Emma was already there, making some notes from a textbook on the sofa. He was happy to see her, it had been a long day for him and he was glad to be in the comfort of their home.

"Hey, did you want that stir fry thing for dinner?" Emma asked whilst Paul took his shoes and coat off.

"Yeah that sounds good." Emma moved her notes onto the coffee table and Paul walked over and sat down next to her. Emma let Paul lean into her, one hand dancing her nails across his scalp and the other on top of his own. Paul sank into the warmth of the embrace and twisted his neck to kiss her forehead.

"What's up?" Emma queried, she looked intently at his features, attempting to figure out what was bothering him."

"My heart." Paul stated simply.

"You're heart?" She looked worried for a second, as if this might have something to do with their relationship.

"It's beating." Emma squinted her eyes at him to portray her confusion. She'd learned to let him speak when it came down to things like this, he would explain himself in good stead.

"I mean obviously I know it's beating, it's like the whole purpose. But I could feel it there, moving...living all day. It made me feel weird and it was the only thing I could focus on. It just made me panic and I couldn't stop it. It felt like I was trapped. I didn't like it..."

"Okay..." Emma began, not quite too sure on how to go about this, it's not like they could stop his heart.

"Well is it still bothering you now?" She asked looking to find some kind of solution to the problem that didn't involve killing him.

"A little bit. It gets worse when its quiet or when I'm alone." Paul's thumb traced tiny circles on the back of Emma's hand to give him some way to fidget. It was a lot better than tapping or squirming.

"Okay. Let's cook dinner together then, with some music on. And we can dance and sing very badly around the kitchen. Hopefully then you won't think about it as much." Emma suggested. She thought it was best if he stayed distracted and considered that just the TV wouldn't cut it today, he needed more stimuli to keep him occupied.

"Okay." Paul agreed.

"Let me get changed first though." He mentioned quickly, getting up.

Once was Paul was changed into some joggers and a T-shirt he returned back downstairs to Emma who was searching for a good playlist on her phone.

They prepared all of the ingredients together, using a tag-team system when it came to cutting the onions when Emma's eyes burned too much to carry on. Neither of them were particularly good dancers, Paul less so than Emma. The dancing involved a lot of twirls and waving of wooden spoons but it was enjoyable. The pair broke out into fits of laughter more than once and quite a bit of food was spilled over the edge of the saucepan or dropped onto the floor.

The meal wasn't perfect but it was tasty enough. Paul hadn't thought about his heart once until they were lying quietly in bed together. Now he could feel it beating more in the quiet. Emma sensed that he was becoming unnerved once more so she drew herself closer to him and placed her own hand atop his heart, nestling into his chest.

"It's okay, I got you. You can go to sleep." Emma whispered, letting him know that he wasn't alone and that he could handle it. Paul didn't reply verbally but instead slid his arm over her back in appreciation. He didn't know where he'd be without Emma, she meant the world to him. 

Now that her small hand was protecting him and Emma's concurrent whispers were soothing him, Paul finally drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one was a bit shorter than usual! I struggled for a while to make the fic not just one scene inspired by the prompt and instead make it into a full day. I've decided that uploads every other day are a lot better for me, hence why this one is later than usual! I have quite a bit of school & work stuff to handle over the next couple of days so I'm not entirely sure how much I'll get written. However, I have begun writing a one-shot that will be posted outside of this series, so keep a look out for that in a couple days. My BIGGEST thank you to everyone who is reading, leaving Kudos & commenting - I'm blown away by your support. Remember: you are loved and I'm super proud of you!


	5. Trepverter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very drunk Paul and Ted bash heads. A very sober Emma has some thinking to do.

Trepverter - A witty response or comeback you think of only after its too late to use

TW// Alcohol

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"Hello this is Charlotte from CCRP technical, how can I help you?" 

"Oh I see, I'll pass you over now." 

"Thank you, bu-bye now."

Charlotte pressed a few buttons on her phone and clicked it back into place. She looked over to Bill and made an expression to suggest that she was really quite busy with various phone calls, emails and reports, throwing her hands up and shrugging her shoulders whilst shaking her head. Bill nodded and smiled, humouring Charlotte. She returned to her computer, staring very intently at the screen.

A phase of silence struck the office which was odd - normally someone was answering the phone or talking to a co-worker at all times. Paul couldn't work in absolute silence, it bugged him. His brain would never shut up and focus on the work, which was a particularly large issue this week. 

There was a big sales conference in a little under a month which Mr Davidson had completely forgotten about. They normally prepared well in advance for these types of things, giving them enough time to do a little each day but still complete their regular tasks. Now they had to do the extra work to catch up on the preparation time they had missed. The boss was stretching them thin, and everyone was rather annoyed.

Mr Davidson had a tendency to drop things on them last minute. This time wasn't too bad considering they still had a month left to prepare, but the employees were just pissed off that Mr Davidson had done it again. They were almost slowing down out of spite. Maybe then he would actually tell Melissa things that she couldn't find out through telepathy. He truly was a lousy boss.

Everyone in the office was getting grouchy and it was showing. Paul hated the negativity of it all, it made him sad for no good reason. He was very easily affected by the morale of the group. Charlotte tried her best to lift everyone's spirits but if she ever had a not so great run-in with Sam her mood dipped low quickly. Bill was far too worried with Alice to get caught up in the office drama, so he often acted as a neutral source. Yet you could tell that it was getting to him today.

Paul took out his phone and went to text Emma.

<< Hey, do you think you could bring some coffee up? I haven't got time for a break today. >>

Emma responded immediately.

<< Sure thing, I'm bored as hell down here. Who's ordering? >>

Paul looked over his computer and surveyed the room, no one else had coffee and they all looked rather put-out. He thought it might help if everyone got a pick-me-up.

<< Me, Bill, Charlotte and Melissa. Maybe Ted as well. >>

<< On it, see you in a few >>

Paul smiled gratefully and put his phone back into his suit pocket. He returned to his computer and carried on composing his email. The next few minutes were slow, seeming to tick on forever. Someone finally opened the door and Paul turned around excitedly.

"Woah there Paul, don't get your knickers in a twist it's just me." Ted mocked holding his hands up. Paul sighed and turned his chair back towards his desk. 

"What are you doing up here Ted?" Paul raised, upset that he had shown up instead of Emma.

"Am I not allowed up here? Jeez Paul it's the IT department not your fucking bedroom." Ted ridiculed, jaunting over to Charlotte's desk. Paul pulled a face, visibly debating whether or not he should respond to Ted, finally deciding on the latter. 

Ted spoke to Charlotte in hushed tones and Paul heard her giggle in a high-pitched voice. He definitely did not want to know what they were talking about. Paul wasn't one to make assumptions but he had noticed that they were together a lot, either very friendly with one another or cold and icy. Paul didn't think on it too hard, Charlotte would probably go to Bill if anything was to go awry. Paul wasn't much of a people person anyway.

The door opened for the second time and Paul swivelled on his chair to find Emma carrying a tray of coffees.

"Well doesn't it look fun in here." Emma commented on the dull mood and grim faces in a sarcastic tone. She moved towards Paul who shot her a grateful smile.

"Thanks Em, you have no idea how much I needed this." Paul said, Emma now sitting on his lap, placing the tray of coffees on his desk.

"Well is anyone else gonna come get their coffee or did I just waste my time?" Emma called out into the room, everyone looked over at her confused.

"We didn't make an order." Bill shook his head, his face confused.

"I ordered everyone's regulars. It's been a long day." Paul voiced, looking over to Charlotte and Bill's desks. They looked touched that Paul had remembered them, Charlotte holding her hand to her chest.

"That's so kind. Thank you Paul." Charlotte expressed, standing up from her desk and moving over to Paul's. Melissa walked across the floor from Mr Davidson's office, looking stressed.

"Melissa, coffee." Emma shouted, causing Melissa to turn towards them snapping out of what looked to be an intense thought process. Bill and Melissa arrived around the desk at the same time, handing money to Emma and taking their coffee cups. Ted hung back, still at Charlotte's desk and scoffed loudly.

"S'alright for some." He scoffed again, "You seemed to forget me yet again." Ted spat with menace. Not that he told anyone, but he liked to be included in the group and occasionally it did hurt his feelings when everyone did things without him. Ted certainly wasn't a friendly man so it was unsurprising that he had no real friends outside of work. Though he often bickered with the employees at CCRP technical, they were the closest things to friends he had. Ted liked to think he didn't need friends, that he was fine by himself and the odd night spent with Charlotte but deep down he craved the attention he sparsely received.

"Oi asshole." Emma called, holding Ted's coffee out where he could see it. He looked baffled, unsure of what to say. He quickly returned to his usual act, sauntering over and taking the cup out of Emma's hand.

"What it's not like you've never left me out before, is it?" Ted argued, taking a large sip of his coffee and reaching in his pocket to get some money out for it. They all began to drink their coffees and paid Emma, appearing grateful. Emma leaned into Paul's chest and wrapped his free hand in hers. Emma surveyed the scene, analysing each face slowly as if to confirm her thought.

"So you really all hate Mr Davidson that much huh?" She spoke louder than perhaps she should have, considering Mr Davidson's office wasn't too far from their coffee rendez-vous. The group nodded collectively.

"Friday night, my place. We can get drunk and bitch about him." Ted suggested attempting to look casual. Secretly he had already been planning to host a party and had only gotten around to inviting Charlotte thus far.

"Sounds great." Melissa declared. She had been the most annoyed out of everyone - Mr Davidson had blamed her for not reminding him about the conference but he'd never even told her about it. Bill and Paul looked sceptical, neither were very big on parties.

"I am so in." Emma agreed. Bill nodded along now too, just wanting to go along with the group.

"Great, starts at 7." Ted stated, throwing his empty coffee cup into Paul's bin and heading back towards the accounting department.

"Thank you so much for the coffee Emma, we really appreciate it." Charlotte beamed.

"No worries. I better get back now anyway before Nora hunts me down." Emma shifted on Paul's lap to face him slightly, kissing him on the lips. She hopped off, made sure all the cash was in her apron pocket and stepped back from Paul's desk.

"See you on Friday." Emma saluted to the group and left the office. Melissa, now aware that she was behind schedule took her coffee cup and left out of the same door as Emma, picking up something from the printer on her way. 

"Well, we better get back to it! Those reports won't write themselves." chuckled Charlotte, humoured by her own joke. Bill also returned to his desk, only to carry on drinking his coffee and stare at his favourite picture of Alice instead of doing anything productive with his time.

Paul turned the empty cup round in his hand to find a black drawn-on heart on the coffee cup sleeve. Smiling to himself, he pulled it off the cup and stowed it away in a drawer. He had never mentioned it to Emma, but he kept all her little doodles and notes that she left for him in his drawer. He would be extremely embarrassed if anyone found them, but he couldn't bare to throw them away.

The rest of the day ploughed on as usual. As the week went on Mr Davidson had become increasingly angry with the standard of work that was presented to him, however, it only made everyone care less. They were working hard enough as it was.

Initially Paul really didn't want to go to Ted's party, Emma was adamant that she would drag him along anyway, as she often did to social events. Though by the time Friday rolled around Paul was more welcome to the idea. He desperately needed a break from all the stress and deemed that this gathering might help, even slightly. Besides, he could always leave early if he'd had enough.

Paul picked out a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved shirt with a small flower print on it. Emma commented on how the jeans made his ass look great which caused Paul to blush deeply. Emma herself was in Jeans and a yellow crop top. Paul loved it when Emma wore yellow, she looked so cute and adorable. Of course he always thought that but he did have a fondness for that yellow top. Maybe it was just the way that it cut off at the perfect level, showing off a thin strip of bare skin or maybe it was just a pretty shade.

Emma had decided that Paul needed to get drunk since he was far too stressed. She would be fine without the alcohol to spur her on and insisted that she would drive them down there. They arrived 20 minutes late and almost everyone was already in attendance. Ted greeted them in the hallway, slapping a hand down on Paul's back and handing him a beer. Ted tried to flog Emma one as well but she insisted on just having a water instead.

They soon met up with Charlotte and Bill in the living room. Charlotte was holding a glass of red wine and looking rather dazed. Bill held a diet coke, stepping up to the role of 'designated driver' like he did at every party. They chatted for a bit, mingling in with other employees from CCRP.

Emma was trying very hard to get Paul drunk, which didn't take too long. Paul had always been a lightweight, not having the drinking practise to be able to stomach 10 shots in a row like Emma could. Emma loved drunk Paul, he was confident and loud, never able to keep a conversation between two people, always broadcasting it to the entire room. 

Ted was also a little drunk, but not as badly as Paul. He watched Paul trip over Emma's leg and fall into her.

"Looks like we've got a lightweight over here." Ted mocked, gesturing with his beer towards Paul who was now only just standing up straight again.

"Fuck off Ted, I'm not a lightweight." Paul argued back defensively, trying his best to remain upright.

"I could push you over with my pinky finger." Ted remarked, making a point to stick it out and hold it up. Emma could sense trouble was brewing between the two. Confident drunk Paul often spoke his true feelings and wouldn't back down from a fight like he normally would. 

Paul - as collected as he possibly could - walked a few paces towards Ted, eyeing him up.

"Oh yeah, try me." Paul taunted, but Emma quickly pulled him back from his face-off with Ted, tugging on his arm. She knew that with both of them drunk it wouldn't be unlikely that they started a fight. Paul would only push back if Ted instigated it though.

"Oh look, you've gotta hide behind your 2-foot girlfriend. Pathetic." Ted slurred. Just before this stand-off he'd been drinking straight Vodka and now the effects were taking its toll as his balance decreased and his words melted into one another. Paul looked outraged that Ted would offend Emma. He went to say something but was beaten to it by Emma.

"Ted." Emma warned, before she could say anything else Paul hoisted her up into the air and over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. She tapped him on the back and kicked her legs, signalling she wanted to be put firmly back down on the ground.

"I'm not behind her anymore. I'm so strong I can pick her up." Paul boasted. His display of 'brute strength' was more a product of his tall stature and Emma's light weight than actual strength. Emma's cries to be let down had attracted the whole attention of the room. Melissa walked over to them, standing between the two men.

"Paul put her down for Christ's sake." Melissa insisted, and gently Paul lowered an angry Emma to his side. He looked deeply apologetic for a second, before turning back to Ted. Ted looked like he was going to speak up again but Melissa pulled him into the kitchen. It would be no fun anymore if Ted and Paul punched each other, it was a lot better to separate them sooner rather than later.

Now that Ted was gone Paul's expression turned soft again. He took his hands and cradled them round the side of Emma's face.

"I'm so sorry Em. I didn't know I was hurting you." Paul whispered loudly, almost on the verge of tears at seeing Emma slightly annoyed with him.

"Shut up, I'm fine. You didn't hurt me. But if you ever pick me up like that again in public I will maim you." Emma threatened. Paul nodded his head in wild vertical motions. She grabbed his hands from off her face and sat him down in an armchair.

"Stay there I'm getting you some water." She told him. Paul sank into the chair completely, waiting for Emma's return.

"Here." She offered him the glass of water.

"Thanks." He mumbled. Emma regretted her decision of forcing Paul to drink tonight, or rather she regretted that Ted had been drinking while Paul had as well. He was never an aggressive person but she supposed that Ted just got under his skin, he was such an ass-hole though that it was expected. Paul slurped on his water loudly, holding the glass in two hands like a young child. Emma was perched on the armrest watching over him.

"Emma, did you know that you're the most beautiful person alive? I bet you didn't but I did." Paul stumbled over his words, the glass of water now sloshing from side to side as he moved his hands.

"Em, Em, you're so pretty. You're so so pretty. I could kiss you all day." Paul's vocals were delirious but there was sentiment behind them. Emma blushed gently and tried to shush him and prompt him to drink more water.

"Hey, you wanna know a secret?" Paul asked in a whisper, not giving Emma any time to respond.

"I love Emma a lot, like really a lot. And I wanna marry her some day 'cos she's the prettiest most bestest and I love her so much." Paul's words were hard to make out due to the alcohol but Emma heard every word. She tried to move on, it was a conversation they could have another day once they were both sober.

"Shh sh don't tell Emma, don't tell Emma this okay but in my head I call her Emma Matthews. Oh- oh and also, shh don't tell Emma but I keep all of her little notes in my draw. I have a drawful of little notes and doodles that she gives me. But don't tell her, it's a secret." Paul was whispering to himself, staring into his water. God he really was a lightweight.

After those rather bold declarations, Emma left him to refill his glass. Once she returned he'd stopped talking to himself out loud which was a relief. Before Emma could hand over the water Ted had escaped his imprisonment in the kitchen and ambled over to Paul.

"Hey Paul, I'm gonna beat you in an arm wrestle." Ted declared loudly to the entire party. Emma thought it best to just take Paul home at this point, it hadn't turned out incredibly for him. Instead Paul stood up bravely, squaring up to Ted.

"Oh you're going down buckaroo." Paul shouted, even though he was less than a metre away from Ted. Emma cringed slightly at Paul's choice of wording, he was still a massive dork even when he had all the confidence in the world. 

At this point no one was going to be able to stop them so they all let it happen. What was the worst that could come out of an arm wrestle? The pair moved over to the dining table and stood either side of it. Melissa stood between them, acting as the official adjudicator.

Both of their hands were clammy and hot, which made it hard to grip on to. At first it was neck and neck but soon Paul took the lead. Though Paul was tall and lanky he had considerable upper arm strength, something Ted hadn't seen coming. Paul was beginning to push harder and harder, Ted's hand now only inches from the table top. In the heat of the moment, Ted kicked his leg under the table hitting Paul and distracting him. In this time, Paul was unfocused and Ted slammed Paul's hand down onto the table, letting out a large victory hoot.

"Fuck you. You cheated. That's not fair." Paul shouted, extremely distressed by losing an arm wrestle that he was so close to winning.

"Life's not fair bay-bay." Ted began hollering once more and Paul got increasingly frustrated. Emma pulled Paul's arm back, moving him away from Ted.

"We're gonna go now." Emma told the group, or more so, Paul. Ted saw this as another opportunity to take a stab at him.

"Always hiding behind your little girlfriend aren't you. Learn to grow a pair huh?" Ted was violently inebriated, he was an ass for sure but he'd never say these things with such menace in his right mind. Emma shrugged it off just wanting to get Paul to bed. Paul was frozen, blubbering. He was unable to form any sort of response, he was far too angry and drunk to speak.

Eventually Emma herded him away and got him into the car. The journey was mostly silent. Drunk Paul was a lot more fun when it was just the two of them at home she decided. She wasn't too keen on seeing Paul and Ted bash heads again. Next time they would skip out on the party - or the alcohol

Emma's thoughts traced back to when Paul had been blabbering senseless to his glass of water. Did he really keep all her little notes and doodles in a draw somewhere? Did he really call her Emma Matthews in his head? It made her heart race a little bit. She had never wanted to get married, never wanted to settle down with someone. That was meant to be Jane's thing. 

Thus far into the relationship they had both come to the mutual agreement that maybe marriage wasn't for them. Neither were particularly keen on the idea at all. But hearing what Paul had said gave Emma butterflies in her stomach. Did he really want to marry her one day? Was he even knowing what he was saying?

Well, of course not. He was very, very drunk. Emma tried to stop thinking about it - he wouldn't remember saying it in the morning so there was no point. But she kept going over it in her head.

Emma Matthews. Emma Matthews. Emma Matthews.

"Fuck." Paul swore quietly to himself. Emma glanced over at him.

"What's wrong?" Emma asked, secretly praying that it was nothing to do with the thoughts in her head. It was too much to process tonight.

"It just came to me." 

"What did?" Emma was still confused.

"My comeback to Ted. Fuck, why did I only think of that now I'm so stupid." He berated himself, embarrassed by Ted having the metaphorical high ground by the end of the night.

"Well, what was it?" Emma asked curiously.

"At least I have a girlfriend. And she's the best one too, have you seen how fucking hot she is." Paul spoke passionately, as if he was facing Ted.

"Alright, alright, calm it down Mr. romance." Emma teased, pulling up into the driveway. She helped a very uncoordinated Paul clamber out of the car and into the house. She helped change him into his pyjamas and then he immediately collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep. Honestly, Emma wasn't surprised after the night he'd had.

Once Emma made it into bed she held Paul's hand in hers. Her other hand tracing soft lines up and down his arm. 

'Emma Matthews' she repeated in her mind. It was definitely something to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you - tysm !! As you can probably tell I use a mix between British and American words because I'm British yet the characters are American so I'm very sorry about that. I'll try to make sure that all the dialog is more American though some of the regular descriptions might use British terms. I had a lot of fun writing this one - I hope you enjoyed reading it :)


	6. Hiraeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma's first December back in Hachetfield since Jane died isn't shaping up to be pleasant. Quite a heavy chapter so please read the trigger warnings listed at the top of the work <3

Hiraeth - A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

TW// Child abuse, Food, Eating Disorders, Panic attacks, Depression, Anxiety

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

December in Hachetfield was something Emma hadn't -properly- experienced since she'd been holed up in her parents house. It got really fucking cold in the winter months, it was very annoying to put up with. Almost everyone wore full long coats with hats and scarves and gloves from November all the way through til February. 

Emma seemed to remember a lot of fake smiles and shitty small talk. The town was tiny and gossipy, everyone knew everyone's business, yet each citizen carried an outwardly friendly ambience. There was something artificial about Christmas time in Hachetfield, though quite honestly, it was the least of Emma's worries.

This December, Emma knew, was just going to fucking suck. She wished almost everyday that the world would just skip over it, forget it even existed. Of course this could never happen, each holiday season was more commercialised than the last, all just a big ploy to scam money out of people. The shopping industry would never avoid an opportunity to cash in, so unfortunately, December was going to happen whether Emma liked it or not.

Paul was excited because of course he was. He enjoyed the aesthetic and the happy faces and the 'sense of community'. Emma thought it was all bullshit, but she humoured him on the odd day, agreeing to take walks around the snowy woods when he wanted to. Paul knew why Emma didn't like Christmas and thus he tried his hardest to paint her a new idea of it.

He often baked (misshapen) cookies and wore multiple different festive jumpers throughout the month. Paul desperately attempted to cheer Emma up, maybe keep her distracted at least. She respected his efforts for it had worked for the most part of two weeks. He was trying his best, she appreciated that.

There were two main reasons why Emma heavily despised Christmas: 

1) As a child, it was quite possibly the worst day of her year

2) This Christmas would mean that Jane had been dead for a whole year

It was going to be shit and messy and fucking awful. The only silver lining was that Emma had Paul. He'd take care of her and she was holding on to that fact desperately.

Growing up, Emma was always second best to Jane - she was the 'good' one. They were compared and set against each other all of their lives. Jane didn't really notice or understand, she was always praised and loved, there was no reason for her to discern that there was anything wrong.

Their parents did a good job of hiding the truth from Jane, choosing to strike when she was up in her room or out with friends. When Jane moved out for college, Emma's life got significantly worse. There was a permanent focus on her grades, future career options, and the need for a committed relationship with a man. The young girl felt trapped and guilty for not being 'good enough'. It messed her up real bad.

Emma despised her parents to a great extent. They were the reason she had so many issues nowadays. Frankly, she was glad they were dead now. 

On Christmas day Emma was always told to be grateful. You had to be happy and kind and thankful all day long, otherwise your dad would get angry at you. Emma thought this was normal when she was young. That because your parents had spent money on you to get you a few presents, you were indebted to them for the foreseeable future. 

Jane never really noticed that Emma got less presents than her, she just presumed that Emma opened hers a lot quicker than she did. Nevertheless, Emma certainly did notice every year. Each December she would receive less and less - what she did receive were passive aggressive stabs at her intelligence or her 'laziness'.

One year, she had upcoming exams that were rather important. Jane passed with flying colours when she did them so their parents expected the same of their youngest. Emma was gifted a watch for 'time management' and many text books that weren't even on the syllabus. They hadn't cared enough to find the right books. From the age of 9 onward, Emma never got a real present for Christmas. 

She'd asked for bikes, colouring pens, new clothes and toy dolls but her parents wouldn't get them for her. There was a Christmas where Emma had asked for a scooter. It was wrapped obviously, teasing her next to the tree, but when the time came to open presents it had Jane's name written on it instead.

That day was especially bad for a young Emma Perkins. Like any child would be, she was upset. Having the present she'd wanted the most dangled in front of her face then snatched away at the last second. That was the day when she broke her elbow... Well actually, she wasn't the one who broke it.

Her father became even more annoyed at her when they had to take her to the hospital. Once she returned home she became littered in bruises. Emma could still remember exactly where the impressions lay on her neck.

Even now her parents were dead she still felt sick thinking about it. She often worried that they would burst through the door and berate her for letting Jane die instead of herself. It was a nightmare Emma suffered through maybe once a month, but occurred more frequently around holidays and birthdays.

Emma had had a shitty, shitty childhood. It was odd meeting Paul's parents for the first time. They were nice and welcoming. They didn't shout at her when she accidentally dropped her knife onto the floor, they just got her another one. Emma liked them enough, but it was weird and a lot of the time she felt uncomfortable around them. Family wasn't really her thing.

Throughout her life Jane and Emma were never actual friends. They loved each other but Emma was jealous of her big sister and Jane was always a bit insensitive to her. To be fair, she never knew the reality of what was happening to her younger sister. When Emma left off for Guatemala she didn't feel the need to keep in touch with Jane. Emma ignored the texts, calls and invitations. It wasn't that Jane was trying to boast about her 'perfect' life, Emma knew she wasn't, her sister was far too kind. Emma just didn't want to be reminded of how much of a total fuck up she was. She thought that was pretty fair.

When their parents passed away Emma could have taken the opportunity to reconnect with Jane. In the end she chose not to. It was easier to deal with things when you were always on the move. Emma didn't want commitment or normalcy back then, which seemed ironic now that she lived with Paul.

Jane had died almost a year ago. A year without her big sister, who she never cared enough for. It wasn't Jane's fault that she was the favourite child. Emma knew that and she beat herself up every day for not visiting even once. They could have been friends as adults. Maybe if Emma was in Hachetfield Jane wouldn't have got in the car, maybe they would have stayed at home whilst Emma visited.

Maybe if Emma had been a good fucking sister, Jane wouldn't be dead.

It was a lot to process with work and college only ever getting more busy. When Emma was reminded of Tom and Tim she felt her heart break. Tom had lost his wife and Tim had lost his mother at 8 years old. They'd also lost an aunt for 10 years. Emma hated herself for doing that to them. She should have met Tim before Jane died.

Emma managed to keep these thoughts internalised for a while. She was a little more snappy than usual but otherwise she didn't let it show. Though in one instant this changed.

Paul and Emma were walking around the supermarket, shopping for groceries and looking for new recipes they could make. Emma loved shopping for food, it allowed her to get creative with what she would cook for the rest of the week. It challenged her to think up a new dish. Paul didn't enjoy it as much, he just wanted to get it over and done with but nevertheless always grinned when Emma would come up with an idea for dinner. It was nice to see her get excited over something so simple.

They were walking up and down the aisles irregularly. They'd started off methodically, but as an idea began to form in Emma's mind she hopped about each section sporadically. They were nearing the end of their shop now and were stood in the rice and pasta aisle. Emma was looking at the back of a packet or risotto rice when someone caught her eye.

She looked up to see the back of a woman's head. The woman was taller than Emma, dressed in nicer clothes than her. Her hair was the exact same brown as Emma's, but the woman wore it down and it bounced over her shoulders in curls. The woman turned slightly, allowing Emma to make out some of her face.

With a loud thump the rice hit the ground.

"Are you alright?" Paul asked. Emma was looking off into space down the aisle. She hadn't seemed to realise that she'd dropped the rice yet. It took several seconds for Emma to engage back into the present. She looked down at the rice, luckily the bag hadn't split. Emma bent down and picked up the rice, slowly placing it in their cart.

"Em, you're shaking. What happened?" Paul queried, his expression laced with worry. Emma seemed to process what he had said and looked down to her shaking hands.

"Oh nothing, It's fine. I'm fine." Emma tried to play it off but her hands couldn't stop shaking. Paul frowned.

"You're not fine." He was very concerned now.

"I just thought I saw someone s'all. Let's just finish this okay." Emma urged. Paul didn't want to challenge her, especially not in public. He simply nodded and headed straight for the checkout, they had enough food to get them through the week already.

Emma was quiet the entire car ride home, staring straight ahead and tapping her fingers on her thigh. Paul didn't want to overstep his boundaries, trying his best to only glance over at her when he was checking the passenger window. They took the groceries into the house and put them down on the kitchen counter. Emma began to put the food away but Paul stopped her.

"Em we don't have to do this now." Paul spoke softly, his eyes searching her face. She wasn't quite sure what he meant, did he not want to talk about what had happened?

"What do you mean?" Emma's voice was quiet and scared, she felt her body shrivel into itself a little. Maybe Paul thought she was a terrible person as well, maybe he didn't even want to be with her, maybe she should just leave.

"Let's not put the groceries away, it can wait. I wan't to make sure you're okay." Paul moved gently towards her and scooped up her small hands, holding them in his. His head was angled down, staring at her. When Emma looked back up at him her eyes were glossy with tears.

"I- uh. I-" Emma's jaw was shaking now, she couldn't speak. Emma was confused at how Paul could care so much about her. How he could love her when she was an absolute mess. Paul guided her towards him, hugging her into his chest and resting his head atop hers.

"Shh, shhh. It's okay. I've got you okay." Paul whispered whilst stroking her back. Emma clutched on to his jumper, balling the material up in her fists. Paul realised that the sobbing wouldn't subside for a while and thought it best to move her to the sofa where she could sit down.

Paul shuffled her slightly so that he could pick her up to carry her into the living room. Thankfully she melted into him easily, not flinching at the change of movement. He sat on the sofa with Emma in his lap. He rocked her back and forth ever so slightly. Every minute or so he would whisper a positive affirmation or kiss her on the forehead, letting her know that he was there.

They sat like that for what felt like ages, but in reality was only 20 minutes. Emma got to the point where she couldn't cry anymore, it hurt too much and she struggled to breathe when she was snivelling. After a few more minutes of hiccups and shaky breaths Emma looked up at Paul.

"I saw Jane." It came out as barely a whisper. Paul didn't want to make her repeat it, but still prompted her into telling him more.

"You saw Jane?" Paul's tone was sincere. He didn't think she was crazy for seeing her dead sister at the supermarket. He accepted it instead of insisting that it was impossible.

"I saw Jane in the supermarket... She was right there." Emma had a distant look in her face, he could tell she was trying to recreate the image of what Jane had looked like, standing there in front of her.

"Okay." Paul nodded his head and gave her a kind smile - he believed her entirely. Silence ensued until Emma made a decision

Emma pulled herself off of Paul's lap and sat cross-legged on the other side of the sofa. It was time to tell him what was going on inside her head and she wasn't sure she could go through with it if she was bundled up in his lap. Emma attempted to compose herself, breathing in and out a few times before speaking up.

"Jane's dead and I didn't reach out to her once when I was in Guatemala. She's dead with a 9 year old son who barely knows me and it's all my fault I-" Emma was crying again now, airing her thoughts out in the air. Paul interrupted her at the instance she began to self-deprecate.

"It's not your fault Em." Paul was gentle but firm, she couldn't live a life full of guilt. It would kill her.

"I regret every day I didn't spend with her because she was my only person you know. I didn't have the greatest friends or parents that cared about me. She could have been my friend but I fucked off to fucking Guatemala because I'm selfi-"

"Emma. No." Paul's voice was serious. They stared intently at one another generating a pause in the conversation, a mutual agreement that Emma would try to stop saying things negatively about herself. She knew that's what was destroying her inside. Emma was her own biggest enemy. 

"I miss her every day. Sometimes I even wish that I could go back to that God awful house just to be with her again." Emma let her tears drop down on to the cushion on her lap. She was twisting her hands in her lap profusely. She began to open her mouth but shut it quickly. Emma thought to herself that maybe she should've been the one to die, not Jane. Paul wouldn't let her think like that though, it was only harming her more, so she didn't vocalise it.

"I was jealous of her my entire life. She was so intelligent. My parents wanted so badly for me to be like her. Of course I wasn't, how could I be? She was the perfect child. She was a nice sister and I hate myself for letting my jealousy get the better of me." Emma paused again, chancing a glance up at Paul who was beginning to well up himself. Emma shut her eyes tightly and squeezed her hands together.

"The worst thing is that I had a chance to be with her. When my parents died I could have come back here, been a sister to her, been an aunt to Tim. I regret that decision so, so much. I could have spent time with my sister... And now she's dead." Emma let out a deep sob. Her whole body was shaking and she began to hyperventilate as more and more tears leapt down her face, smashing onto the pillow below. 

At this sight Paul moved back over to her, cradling her in his arms. He didn't know what to say, there was nothing that would make this better. So he just held her, enveloping her small frame, keeping it warm. It was long and painful, but nothing could be done. They would just have to wait it out for a bit. 

Once the tears had stopped they remained seated for a while. Paul was the first one to move away and Emma already felt lost without his presence. Emma watched him walk to the kitchen and she frowned, she needed him for longer still. After a minute Paul returned, holding a tub of ice cream and two spoons.

"I figured you wouldn't want dinner, but we have to eat something." Paul stated simply. Emma didn't smile, she wasn't in the mood to, but she was thankful that he was looking after her. 

Emma had a tendency to skip meals when she was stressed or busy, it was too much to handle at once so the food was always the first thing to fall to the wayside. The ice cream was nice, it helped cool her hot cheeks and it was also just really good ice cream. She wasn't cheered up by it, ice cream couldn't solve that, but it was a lot easier to eat than anything else.

After they finished the tub Paul helped Emma upstairs. She'd required a bit more support half-way up the staircase as her legs felt like jelly and her vision blurred with dizziness. Even though Emma leaned heavily on Paul, she was able to reach their bedroom and undress herself, getting changed into long pyjama bottoms and one of Paul's t-shirts. 

They hadn't bothered with brushing teeth and showers. It was too much at that moment in time, so it could wait till the morning. Finally the end of the day had arrived, Paul and Emma were laying in bed next to each other, Paul's hand draped over her waist in a loose hug.

"Thank you for listening to me." Emma expressed. She'd been horrifically vulnerable today and Paul hadn't taken advantage of it - not that she thought he would - but it was nice to have that reassurance. Paul offered a small smile in acknowledgement and leaned forward to kiss her on the lips. 

"I love you." Paul replied. She pulled her neck up to return a kiss on his lips and then he moved back to lean his head against the pillow. 

It was going to be a hard couple of weeks for Emma but Paul would be there for every single second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was a little late!! I've been doing a bit of drawing lately and it's taken up quite a bit of my free time. However, as a little something extra, you can check out a separate one-shot that I posted a few days ago about the relationship between Emma and Zoey (including some background Paulkins for your enjoyment). I'm trying my best to stay on top of trigger warnings but if you ever feel that I could add some more in please let me know! As always, I appreciate every single person who has read this so far, I'm flawed by the response. If you've left Kudos or comments, I can't express to you enough how thankful I am. Wishing you all the best <3   
> (p.s. you are loved and I'm proud of you today)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've written in ages - constructive criticism welcome!! I realised I had no idea about working in a coffee shop so we may not see too much of working-girl!Emma because I don't know how to write it. But this was fun to write! I hope you had fun reading :)


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